MENTAL TOUGHNESS: HAVING "THAT" CONVERSATION WITH MOM & DAD

BY DR. ALAN GOLDBERG//COMPETITIVEDGE.COM

How you interact with your parents in relation to your swimming can mean the difference between loving to swim, staying calm pre-meet and consistently racing to your potential or hating the sport, being a nervous wreck pre-meet and consistently underachieving.

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR PARENTS
Loving parents want two things for you as their child:

1. To be HAPPY
2. To be SUCCESSFUL

But, have you ever had that really upsetting conversation with your parents during the car ride on the way to the meet? Or maybe the even more uncomfortable one right after the meet, on the ride home?

You know what I mean. Before the meet, mom or dad might remind you what you have to do to swim fast, the times you need to get and/or who you really should be beating. And then on the way home, you're asked a lot of questions about your swim, and they want to talk about what might have happened when you didn't perform as well as you hoped. And then you feel defensive when you hear their suggestions about what you could've done better. For most swimmers, these kinds of “chats” leave them feeling sad, angry and misunderstood.

Regardless of how these conversations leave you feeling, your parents are really trying to help. They want you to love your sport, succeed in it and have fun in the process. We can say that their heart is in the right place. However, what a lot of parents don't really understand is HOW to go about doing this. So when they give you pre-meet advice and/or after-race critiquing, their intention is to be positive and helpful. Unfortunately, the normal end result of this kind of “help” leaves you feeling criticized and angry.

A PARENT'S ROLE ON THE “TEAM”
Your parents have a very important role to play on the swimmer-parent-coach team in order for you to have a successful and fulfilling experience in the pool. If they play their proper role to the best of their ability, it will increase the chances that you will continue to love your sport and go as far as possible in it. If, however, they don't stick to their ”job,” and instead, try to take on the role of the coach, then they will inadvertently diminish your love of swimming and therefore, hurt your chances of reaching your goals.

A parent's job on “the team” is to BE SUPPORTIVE, UNCONDITIONALLY LOVING and, equally as important, NOT to COACH.

Pre-race advice, attempts to motivate you to work harder at practice, and after-meet analysis/criticism that constitute coaching, are NOT the job of a parent and will almost always end up stressing you out and hurting your meet performance.

HOW TO GET YOUR PARENTS TO REALLY HELP
What your parents most need from you is proper “coaching” as to what YOU would find most helpful in relation to your swimming, because what they think is helpful and what you need from them may often be two, very different things. What this means is that you need to have “THE” conversation with them where you very clearly help mom and dad understand what works and what doesn't work for you. Please understand that you will NOT be hurting your parents' feelings by doing this. You will NOT be criticizing them. This is NOT being disrespectful as long as you do it calmly and in a spirit of “I need your help! Here's what I'd like you to do, which would really make things easier for me!” When you do this, you'll be helping them, to be most helpful to you.

I understand that having this kind of very direct conversation with your parents may be far too intimidating. So, if you feel that it is too hard to talk with your parents about this topic, then please ask them to read this article.

USING THE “STOP, START, CONTINUE” TECHNIQUE
The very best and conflict-free way I know to have this conversation with your parents is by sitting down with them in a spirit of mutual cooperation and using the STOP, START, CONTINUE technique. There are three steps to it:

“What behaviors/comments do you want your parents to STOP that they are currently doing, which leave you feeling overly nervous, upset, angry and or defensive?”

For example, many parents may want to remind their son/daughter on the way to the meet about all the things that the swimmer needs to remember in order to swim fast. Rather than this being helpful, swimmers usually end up feeling more nervous by these last-minute reminders. This would be a behavior that you as the athlete want stopped. Or after the race, when you're really disappointed with your result, the very last thing you want to have to do is listen to all the feedback your parents have about your swims. This after-race critiquing would be another behavior you would like stopped. Finally, some parents may periodically remind a swimmer how much time, energy and money they're investing in the sport as a way of trying to get you more motivated, and this only serves to put even more pressure on you to go fast at meets, leaving you feeling guilty when you don't. This would be another behavior you would want stopped.

“What behaviors/comments would you like your parents to START doing that you would find incredibly helpful and supportive?”
Remember, they really want to be helpful, and the more specific you can be here, the better. So maybe you would like them to allow you to listen to your music on the way to your meets and if you do talk with them, you want them to talk about things that have nothing to do with swimming and the upcoming meet. Or, after a disappointing race, you would like them to give you silent support and allow you to feel disappointed if you are, without having to discuss the race/meet. Or perhaps you'd like them to find the things that they think you did well and point those out.

“What behaviors/comments would you like them to CONTINUE that you have found really helpful/supportive to you in the past?
This would include all of things that your parents have been doing and saying in relation to your swimming that helped you feel calm and confident whenever you practice or compete. For example, if they make you feel that no matter how you swim, good or bad, this has absolutely no effect on how they treat you after the meet or practice, then you want them to continue that. Similarly, if they are there for you with a smile, your towel and a snack after the meet, you'd want them to continue that! If their goofy sense of humor or music cracks you up and relaxes you on the way to or from the meets, then you want them to certainly keep that going!

Keep in mind that having a long, rewarding experience in the pool takes a “team” effort. Start today to help your parents help you!

As a sports psychology consultant, Dr. Alan Goldberg works with swimmers at every level. A presenter at the Olympic Training Center, swim coaches clinics and clubs around the country, Dr. G specializes in helping swimmers struggling with performance problems, get unstuck and swim fast when it counts the most. He works over Skype, providing one-on-one consultation with swimmers and other athletes around the world. Dr. G has written over 35 mental toughness training programs and books. In addition, he is a regular contributor to Splash Magazine.

For more FREE mental toughness tips and swim articles, go to Dr. Goldberg's website, www.competitivedge.com and click on “choose your sport” and then “swimming.” You can also visit him on Facebook, follow him on Twitter and sign up for his free, monthly mental toughness newsletter.

Want to get a head start on your mental toughness training? Dr. Goldberg's BRAND NEW 7 CD Swim Program with track-by-track Training Guide now available! All products in his store at a 10% discount for USASwimming.org. readers. Coupon Code at check-out: USASwimming. FREE SHIPPING NOW AVAILABLE.

Questions? I hope you'll feel free to contact Dr. Goldberg at Goldberg@competitivedge.com or call directly (413) 549-1085.

6 Ways to Take Your Swimming to the Limit

By Olivier Poirier-Leroy

It’s hard work chasing our goals. Not only does it require investing a lot of effort, with countless hours in and out of the pool, but it also requires us to suspend our fears. The fear of failure, fear of success, fear of looking bad.

In actuality, doing the hard stuff, the challenging things, the stuff that builds champions looks a lot more painful than it actually is. What is easy, on the other hand, is falling into the lock-step of mediocrity with our swimming. When we do we end up stepping back. Keeping our dreams and goals tucked into the depths of our mind, never willing to swim out into the ether, never willing to risk anything.

To really see success with your swimming you need to be willing to open yourself to the possibility of failure. And for many, this is too frightening a prospect. The alternative – the safety of going with the flow, of simply getting along – is so much easier. Safer.

We have to be continually jumping off cliffs and developing wings on the way down.

Kurt Vonnegut

Here are 6 tips for swimming out into the rarefied air of champions this year—

1. Take a step, no matter how small. The first step is always going to be the hardest. It’s when the excuse-machine in your brain is firing on all cylinders, peppering you with reasons to not move forward. To stay static, to stay put, to stay safe. Don’t try to achieve a wholesale change in your routine off the bat – just make the first step, no matter how small or how insignificant it may seem in the context of your overall goal.

2. Chase the stuff that scares you with your training. It’s easy to dwell within the confines of what you are comfortable with at practice. Embracing difficulty and things that might otherwise scare you will show you how most of the things you fear – an increased workload, committing fully to your own success – actually turn out to be the things that end up freeing your abilities.

3. Embrace objective and constructive self-criticism. When you gloss over or lie to yourself about something once it becomes easier to do it again. Being acutely aware of where you are at currently – without attaching a good or bad label to it – helps you plan more realistically, and helps you to avoid getting demoralized by setting goals that don’t match up to your capabilities.

4. If you fall short, do it with your chin up. There is no shame in failing where others were too timid or scared to commit. Be proud of the fact that you made the conscious decision to take risk and attempt to deliver on the opportunities presented to you. Ignore the comments from the cheap seats, and don’t allow the things others say stop you from doing what comes next–

5. Bounce back with action, authority and armed with a lesson learned. When you get your nose bloodied, your first reaction might be to retreat. The negative thoughts in your head will start churning away again, pumping out variations of the “I told you that you couldn’t do this” at break-neck speed. Instead focus on the lesson that needs to be learned – what are you going to do differently this time around? – and bounce back fast and hard.

6. Doing the hard stuff is what thins the herd. Each swimmer in your group or on your team want to be successful. They want to be recognized for their talents and abilities. But they are afraid to show up early. Afraid to chase the most challenging interval. Afraid to risk looking like a “failure.” Afraid to try and not succeed in front of their friends, peers, and family.

Will you be willing to do the hard stuff that others are too scared to do?

Olivier Poirier-Leroy is a former national level swimmer based out of Victoria, BC. In feeding his passion for swimming, he has developed YourSwimBook, a powerful log book and goal setting guide made specifically for swimmers. Sign up for the YourSwimBook newsletter (free) and get weekly motivational tips by clicking here.

Taken from SwimSwam.com

Finding Zen In Swimming

BY MIKE GUSTAFSON//CORRESPONDENT

When I was a college swimmer, one of the hardest lessons to learn was not to fight the water.

I often fought the water. Before races, I got so excited that, by the time I dove in, I spun my arms, splashed my fists, and over-swam my races. My coaches always said, “You have to learn how to move with the water.”

Swimming is like dancing: When you fight the water, it will fight you. Coaches talk about “effortless effort”: That doesn’t mean “don’t try,” but you shouldn’t get so hyped up that your stroke falls apart, either.

That’s one of the less-talked about things in the swimming world. There’s great emphasis on holding strokes together when you’re really, really, really tired, but there’s less talk about holding your stroke together when you’re really, really, really excited.

Finding Zen in swimming can help calm nerves, make you appreciate the water and your surroundings, and provide some detached perspective. Putting yourself in a Zen-like state-of-mind takes practice. Here are just a few ways how to find Zen in everyday swimming:

Listen to the water.

Sometimes during practice, my coach noticed our anxiety, our stress resulting from hours of homework, and/or general everyday distraction. Some days we didn’t have that “connection” to practice, our bodies, or the water. Especially during taper, when stress was high. He told us to take a few moments, swim underwater during warm-ups or cool-downs, and listen. Listen to the water. Take a deep breath, float down, close your eyes, and listen for twenty or thirty seconds. Come up. Grab some air. Then do it again.

I was always astounded how much this simple process helped relieve stress and anxiety. During taper, I spent a few minutes each practice listening. It always calmed me.

Arrive to practice early, find a quiet place, and just breathe.

Many coaches tout visualization as a key for fast swimming, but just finding time to breathe before practice can help, too. You know the common drill: You’re running out of class, flying into the locker room, quickly throwing on suit and goggles, and jumping in the water just in time for warm-ups. Throughout warm-ups, though, your mind is still racing, thinking about tests, friends, outside-the-pool things…

Finding time before practice to sit and breathe is a great way to focus your mind. Arrive five or ten minutes early, find a quiet area of the pool deck, sit, and take slow, deliberate breaths. Think about your breathing. You’ll notice worries melt away, and your mind will slowly focus, become calm, alert, and more in the present.

Float.

I get many emails from swimmers asking how they can re-discover the joy for swimming they lost. Which is sad, but understandable. Swimming is tough, especially when the weather is cold, there are other obligations, and you’re tired and fatigued.

One thing I email them back is, “Try to remember why you fell in love with swimming. Not just competitive swimming, but being in the water. That feeling you got as a kid when you loved to swim in the pool, be in the water, and just play.”

Certainly competitive swimming is more serious than “play”, but taking a few minutes before or after practice to float and enjoy the water can re-connect you with that original joy for the water. Being in the moment and feeling your body move with the water, sitting atop the water, connecting with the water can be, for some people, as important as spinning your arms fast or, hypoxic breathing sets. You hear that common cliché all the time – “She has a great feel for the water.” Floating for a minute or two will help you remember that the water is another element. It might sound corny or a bit nutty, but then again, so is shaving one’s entire body to gain a better “feel for the water.” Swimming is all about feel. You need to feel the water to move with the water.

Before a race, look around.

My first high school state meet, I was a nervous wreck. I was either constantly going to the bathroom or feeling like I was about to vomit. I didn’t eat breakfast. My hands shook when I put on my goggles. I sat behind the starting blocks for twenty minutes because I didn’t want to miss my race. I’m sure I looked like a small, scared mouse about to be devoured.

A coach walked over to me and, I’m sure, saw my nerves. He was a diving coach. And he just sat next to me and said, “Look around, Mike. Take all this in. This is what you’ve earned. Enjoy this moment. Remember this moment. And before you dive in, look around and take this all in. What you’ve accomplished just by being here is a great, great thing, and you’ll remember this for the rest of your life.”

We often fall into a never-ending cycle of wanting more. We swim a best time, we want another. We win a race, we want to win again. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing when it comes to competitive sports, but at the same time, we often don’t stop to truly appreciate what we’ve done – to appreciate the journey of the swimming season.

When you get to your championship meet, look around. Look at the other swimmers, the pool, the people in the stands. Appreciate the moment and what it took to get there. Then become part of that moment. Embrace it. Surviving the swim season is an accomplishment, and arriving to the championship meet, or the last meet of the season, is a celebration.

Look around. Embrace the moment.

Like water in your hand, it disappears quickly. The best thing to do is to look around, breathe, and enjoy it.

Posted from USASwimming.org