How to Use Feedback to Grow as An Athlete

By Dr. Alan Goldberg of www.competitivedge.com

No matter how skilled or talented you are as an athlete, you’ll never reach your true potential without good teachers.

No successful athlete can really go it alone. You have to be open to constructive criticism and then use it to improve.

If you think you have all the answers and don’t need someone else telling you what to do, then you’re flat out wrong and you’re deluding yourself. Don’t be hardheaded here. Don’t limit your development as a champion. Don’t try to re-invent the wheel. Be open to and look for good coaching. It’s always the fastest and smartest way to get wherever you want to go.

It is especially in the times when you get frustrated, have a slump or block, or get to a place where you’re good but know that you have the potential to perform at a higher level that seeking out and incorporating great feedback can help you overcome a problem or reach a new level of excellence.

There is a concept in Zen Buddhism called “beginners mind,” which refers to having an attitude of openness, enthusiasm, and a lack of preconceptions or judgment. It means approaching a subject with full attention and readiness to learn, even if it’s something you already know quite a bit about. Keep that in mind when a new teacher comes along, another athlete surpasses you with an unusual style, or when you come across something challenging everything you thought you knew about your sport. Staying open will also help you understand things better, and that will only increase your chances for becoming a true champion.

Here are some more ways to accept and use feedback:

1.  Have a coachable attitude.

This means don’t let your ego get so big that you ignore the wisdom and advice from those who are more experienced and have the benefit of an outsider’s perspective to your technique. Assuming you have a good and fair coach, listen to what they say, work on the areas they pinpoint for improvement, and accept their advice with gratitude for helping you grow rather than dwelling on your perceived inadequacy. Even the most seasoned athletes are always open to learning, and that’s what makes them great.

2.  Ask.

It’s simple, ask your coach, a fellow athlete, or someone you admire who has an understanding about your sport whether they have any recommendations for how you can modify what you are doing. Make sure you understand what they’re really saying and have them clarify or demonstrate if you’re not sure, then WORK ON IT, and after some time ask if you’ve made progress in this area and what else you can do better. This requires being humble, something some athletes have a problem with unfortunately, but asking lets you be in control of the situation and it might just produce some pleasantly surprising results.

3.  Go beyond what is recommended.

Let’s say you’re a soccer player and your coach tells you to work on your dribbling skills. Obviously you should make the time to really practice your footwork, coordination, and control of the ball, but then take it a step further. Find some YouTube videos of top level MLS or Premier League soccer players teaching or demonstrating dribbling, engage in activities that can help support the skill of dribbling such as dancing or running backwards, and see what other resources you can find online to experiment with. If you really want to grow as an athlete you have to be willing to go beyond just scratching the surface to really dig into developing those skills to the absolute highest degree. Adding multiple perspectives will go a long way in reaching mastery, not just competence.

4.    Commit yourself to your sport.

If your heart isn’t in what you’re doing then you’re not likely to care about feedback, and even less likely to actually use it to get better. The more you commit to your sport, and to continually improving and reaching new heights, the more likely you are to really get the most out of your athletic experience, on and off the field. So commit yourself, show up early, work hard, practice even when you’re not at practice, and immerse yourself in learning.

Is it possible that you might get feedback that is NOT really helpful, which is not coming from someone who really knows what they’re talking about in this area? Yes, BUT listen anyway, and always ask yourself if there is SOME validity to the comments and if there’s something you could still use as a learning opportunity.

Remember that feedback is your friend, not your enemy. Never assume you have perfectly mastered a skill until you win a Gold medal, and even then you’d better keep practicing to win it again next year!

Prove it: The science behind the power of purpose

By Jessica Woken of www.positiveperformancetraining.com

Last week we discussed some ways that athletes can make the most of injury. We talked about how a sidelined athlete can take opportunities to learn new skills, interact with fans, improve mental strength, and build closer bonds with coaches and teammates while going through the rehab process.

While not explicitly mentioned, all those tasks point to maintaining one thing: PURPOSE.

During injury and rehabilitation, an athlete can experience depression and anxiety as a result of loss of identity. Maintaining a purpose throughout that confusion is essential to a having a successful emotional, physical, and mental recovery.

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The purpose of positivity

FACT: Maintaining a sense of purpose makes you healthier.

James Clear, writer and ex-All-American athlete, shared his thoughts on the connection between a longer, healthier life and purpose. He explains that Japanese women maintain an average 86 year lifespan, the “longest disability-free life expectancy in the world.”

That’s right. The world. And note the “disability-free” qualifier. Not just a longer life, but a longer, healthier life.

How do they accomplish this impressive feat? With ikigai. It’s the Japanese word meaning “reason for waking up in the morning”, and the Japanese take it very seriously.

Purpose and value

A sense of purpose contributes to one’s sense of self-worth, or value. When something is valuable to you, you instinctively work to protect it, and that involves adopting habits to preserve that valuable thing.

When that thing is you, magic happens and you become a happier, healthier you.

Consider things you identify as valuable – your athletic gear, your car, your family. These things hold value, so you do your best to take care of them and protect them from harm.

But, beware: The purpose pendulum swings both ways. When your purpose is lost, your self-worth suffers, causing your health to suffer as well.

Okay, so maybe it’s a regional thing. Maybe Japanese women just live longer because of some other sociological factor other than ikigai. Their extended lifespan could be due to other factors such as diet, meditation practices (religion), or something else.

Well, a group of convent nuns would say otherwise.

Nunning to joke about

Convent nuns are ideal subjects for scientific study because their lives are so similar. From religious beliefs, to the foods they eat, to the housing they live in, there are few variables to tamper with the scientific outcomes.

Except for personal outlook.

Scientists found that nuns who maintained a positive outlook on their lives lived up to 10 years longer than those who had a neutral or negative outlook.

Psychology professor Barbara Fredrickson, author of Positivity: Top Notch Research Reveals the Upward Spiral That Will Change Your Life (and who Positive Performance cite’s quite a bit in their Mastering Your Self-Talk Training), calls this correlation the “undo effect”. In an article for Entrepreneur magazine, she states “positive emotions help you live longer by shutting down the health-damaging side effects of negative ones.”

Losses loom larger than gains. Our mind is drawn into this mental time travel, and we’re obsessing about something negative that happened in the past or we’re worrying about what will happen in the future.” – Barbara Frederickson, Author of Positivity

Shutting down a negative mindset greatly influences the rate at which you bounce back from physical injury.

Bouncing back: Building a positivity bank

FACT: Positive self-talk not only improves your game, but also improves your ability to handle setbacks. 

Positive thinking shouldn’t begin when trouble does. How well you rebound from injury may greatly depend on how well you’ve built up positivity within you.

Frederickson claims that positivity can build like a resource and that you can tap into this “bank” whenever adversity and setbacks rear their ugly heads. She claims that accessing this bank of positivity has helped troubled business owners overcome setbacks and start anew.

The same rule applies to athletes experiencing a major setback (e.g. an injury): Making positive thoughts a habit will assist you in overcoming adversity in the future.

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Express gratitude to live longer, recover faster, and enjoy a healthier life.

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The force of gratitude

The easiest way to make deposits into your positivity bank, Frederickson says, is to practice gratitude. For athletes, that means finding purpose beyond the scoreboard.

Lindsey Wilson wrote about this concept of “beyond the scoreboard” last year in 3 ways gratitude helps you perform. This article maintains its applicability even if you replace the word “perform” with “recover” or “heal”.

You can still have gratitude for the big picture, gratitude for opportunity, and gratitude for the process, even while facing a difficult challenge like injury.

Having trouble understanding how gratitude influences injury? Let me clarify:

Gratitude for the Big Picture

Your time being sidelined and injured comprises only a small moment within the span of your athletic career. Don’t fixate on it and dwell on your trial. Step back, see the big picture, and understand that, while injury definitely stinks, it’s a very small part of the larger sum.

Gratitude for Opportunity

Recall last week’s article about how you can take opportunities during injury to connect with fans, better understand your coach, and build stronger relationships with teammates. Be grateful for these opportunities because, once you’re back in the game, they’ll be gone.

Gratitude for the Process

Injury is inevitable. Period. It stinks, but let’s get real: We all know athletics isn’t all gold medals and trophies. It’s mostly blood, sweat and tears. Being an athlete is really hard work, and sometimes our bodies break under the pressure. Injury is part of the process of becoming a great athlete. Be grateful for the opportunity to grow, even through the struggles.

I encourage you to start building up your positivity bank now! You never know when you’ll be in need of that positive influence to keep you going through times of trial!

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What are some small (or big) ways you build up your personal positivity bank?

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Jessica Woken - As Content Manager, Jessica is constantly researching and writing about mental training and it's impact on athletes. She is passionate about helping others achieve the best of themselves, and loves combining her teaching and writing background to help coaches, athletes, and aspiring athletes in all aspects of mental and physical performance.

The surprising thing about confidence

By Lindsey Wilson on November 12, 2015 (www.positiveperformancetraining.com)

Imagine you possess all the material success you’ve ever dreamt of. You have a career full of accomplishments, you live in the house you’ve always pictured, and you hold the respect and admiration of your peers, colleagues, and friends.

In other words, you’d expect to be wildly confident in yourself, right?

Well, not exactly…. While we all picture a future where we ‘arrive’ at our most confident selves, the reality is that’s not how confidence works.

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How does confidence work?

When I’m working with athletes, it’s easy for me to look at the ones who have been successful and think, “Now, that’s confidence!”

However, many times I don’t know the backstory of how they got to that point. So while, at times, I’m witnessing true confidence, the result of hard work, failure, and perseverance other times I’m seeing mere “surface confidence”, or an unsustainable, skin-deep confidence that doesn’t stem from failure.

Here’s what I mean:

Take Athlete A: She’s the best player on every team. Always ‘on’ and usually head-and-shoulders above the competition. Things come relatively easy for her on the playing field. To top things off, she’s also attractive, very likely the girl everyone wants to be friends with (and maybe the one they’re secretly jealous of). Athlete A seems to have it all, and each victory or success only seems to make her more confident.

Now take Athlete B: She’s in the middle-of-the-pack as far as talent and results go, but she’s worked her way there via a lot of adversity, determination, and failure. She’s not particularly special in any obvious way, but she’s a hard worker and is always willing to step up and do what needs to be done. She fails, but her failures don’t deter her. She learns and moves on.

From the surface, it sure looks like more fun to be Athlete A, bouncing through life’s successes.  But when we examine it a little closer, our experience tells us Athlete A isn’t mentally prepared to handle true adversity; while she seems poised on the outside, she has not developed a lasting confidence that will sustain her. When failure arrives, she won’t know how to handle it. She may push through, but Athlete A is likely to crumble beneath the pressure as her surface confidence evaporates, exposing the insecurity inside.

Athlete B, on the other hand, has worked her mental muscles to arrive at her current confidence level. She’s laid down a foundation of true belief in herself through hard work. She knows how to stare risk boldly in the face and, if it comes to it, deal with failure and disappointment. Athlete B knows how to learn lessons from setbacks. Knowing that her supposed failures are not really failures at all, Athlete B takes failures as opportunities for growth.

Unfortunately, we can’t always see the differences between surface and true confidence. It’s easy to assume that Athlete A has this confidence thing figured out, when her confidence is actually only skin deep, and pass over the better role model for confidence, Athlete B.

Often what’s missing from an Athlete A’s life is failure; the surprisingly necessary building block of true confidence. There’s no way around it, folks, the truth is, real confidence comes from taking risks and failing, not from never failing.

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Real confidence comes from taking risks and failing, not from never failing.

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READ Using visualization to crush the next pitch

Let me clarify at this juncture that too much failure is a confidence killer, while too little is a confidence inhibitor. But experiencing an appropriate amount of failure is important in developing true confidence. Failure, overall, is a concept we’d be smart to embrace.

Why do you need failure?

Consider this: When we haven’t learned to fail, it frightens us. Then we try to avoid failure by avoiding risks, which means hesitation, overthinking, and less action. And, when we don’t take action, confidence doesn’t have the chance to develop.

In other words, when we avoid failure out of fear, we actually begin living our lives in perpetual fear and constant failure.

Quite the catch-22, isn’t it?

Because this conundrum is so difficult, I’ve embraced a few tactics that work to help me embrace failure. So, without further adieu, here are my:

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6 Go-to rules for embracing failure

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#1. Reframe it

Like most things regarding failure, it’s easier said than done, but I really, really try to reframe failure as an opportunity for growth. After all, as the overused motivational poster from Michael Jordan says, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”

More poignantly, if an athlete isn’t failing AT ALL they can’t possibly be pushing themselves to be their best, which means they’re falling far short of their true potential.

Failure IS a part of growth and confidence. You cannot get to true confidence unscathed without battle wounds to show for it.

Coaches Note: It’s easy for athletes to get discouraged by failure, especially when it’s taking longer than desired to master a necessary skill. Maybe your athlete is losing sight of their potential in light of.disappointment, and your words of encouragement just aren’t cutting it anymore. Don’t feel bad; sometimes it takes the understanding of a teammate, instead of the push of a coach, to make the point. In that case, consider pairing your less confident athletes up with more experienced athletes who can speak from experience, and serve as an example of the success your athlete can achieve post-failure.

#2. Avoid avoidance

In my own life, I’ve noticed the danger is not necessarily in the failing itself, but in those moments where we anticipate the failure. More specifically, sometimes it’s the chances we don’t even know we’re avoiding which put us at greatest risk for loss. Coasting through life with surface confidence, and avoiding actively seeking out growth opportunities due to fear of failure, prohibits us from being truly successful and truly confident.

Whether it’s the networking event we aren’t going to, the phone call we aren’t making, or the question we aren’t asking, when we avoid a potential failure we’re also avoiding a potential success.

Coaches Note: In sports, this avoidance policy is pretty obvious. An athlete who struggles with avoidance shows it by doing things such as not volunteering to take the winning penalty kick. What might be less obvious is the athlete who hangs back just slightly in practices or competition, the one who comes up consistently second in conditioning drills when they could easily come in first at least some of the time.

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READ The truth about positive self-talk

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#3. Get support

I was stressed about my career a week or two ago and called my best friend for a cathartic bitching session about how difficult things are. She responded by bringing my attention to how brave I am for starting my own business, how much courage I’ve shown by persevering, and how proud I should be for all the risks and challenges I’ve willingly taken on.

There’s good reason I call her my best friend: She’s incredible when it comes to giving me strong words of affirmation, and encouraging me when I’m feeling pretty down (even the most confident individuals need an occasional pep talk!). We all need people around us like that to celebrate our risk-taking when we cannot. Find yours.

Coaches Note: Make sure words of affirmation are a solid part of your team’s dynamic, both on and off the field. Criticism has its place and its own unique push, but there’s nothing like positive words of encouragement to remind athletes who are feeling down that they are truly worthy of playing the game. Keep in mind I’m not talking about generic “you can do it’s”, I’m talking really valuing and appreciating the courage it takes to risk failure, and then putting words to it.

#4. Pay attention to your words

I’m a big believer in the power of self-talk. I believe it’s one of the most powerful and underutilized tools we have at our disposal. The language you use toward yourself regarding failure and risk is tremendously important. Statements starting with, “I’m not good enough to…” are insidious and limiting, while power statements like “I know I can do….” allow you to focus on growth (see tip #1), and can give you the strength and desire to seek and embrace risk as part of the process.

Coaches Note: Sometimes leaders feel the need to overcomplicate positive self-talk. However, self-talk doesn’t need to be complex! It can be as simple as five words that say, “I am a fast runner.” Check out this article for more on how self-talk can help your athletes. Saying words of affirmation daily will soon make positive self-talk second nature.

#5. Practice self-compassion

At the end of the day, celebrate that you’re a good person, and you’re doing the best you can at trying to grow and improve. Remember that you’re a constantly evolving being, and the only real failure is giving up on yourself and avoiding the journey that leads to a better you.

Failure should never touch the core of who you are. Ever. Failure can be painful, of course, because that’s part of really trying. If it didn’t hurt, you probably weren’t trying that hard and, if you weren’t trying that hard, did you really want it that much? If not, does it really matter that you failed?

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READ How fear impacts performance

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Think about it.

Keep in mind that you as a person are not defined by your actions, but by your intentions. You are, after all, only human. Being kind to yourself is just as important as being kind to your teammates. Would you speak to them the way you speak to yourself? If not, it’s time to reconsider your self-compassion.

Coaches Note: At the close of a difficult training session or after a loss, have athletes review what they learned about their performance (whether from memory or when reviewing tape). Differentiate between critiquing(analyzing) and criticizing (finding fault) and practice the former. If a player is callous toward themselves, remind them of this quote by spiritualist Marianne Williamson and suggest they treat themselves a little more kindly: “If someone talked to you the way you talk to yourself, you would have kicked them out of your life a long time ago.”

#6. Perfectionism is the devil

“Great” is the enemy of good. In other words, “good enough” is sometimes just fine!

I’m a recovering perfectionist, so I know that holds true. While no one expects you to reduce your high standards, the ideal of perfection is elusive, often impossible, and creates more fear and frustration than it’s worth. If perfection is your goal, you’re going to fail a lot more than you win, and it will get old, fast.

Never confuse “good” with “mediocre”, because they aren’t the same. Our society has embedded a “perfectionism or bust” attitude in us that is often more damaging than encouraging. It rejects the reality of growth through failure, and belittles anyone who is less than perfect (i.e. all of us!) into thinking they’re just no good. That’s one big, FAT lie. As Courtney Thompson said,

You can still kick your own ass. [Being positive] isn’t about rainbows and butterflies, it’s about believing in yourself so much that you hold yourself to high standards.” – Courtney Thompson, Olympic Volleyball Setter

While we should want some failure, failing every time because nothing is ever good enough will demotivate you from trying. Aim for rainbows, but expect a little rain sometimes, too.

Coaches Note: Be mindful of the athlete who appears to be coasting, because they might be playing into the avoidance policy due to their overly perfectionist expectations. They might think “If I don’t try that hard, I will keep my expectations low and won’t be disappointed.” Alternatively, do they obsess over past mistakes, overthink their plays, and beat themselves up over mistakes? Avoiding true challenges and self-deprecating behaviors are habits of the perfectionist. Break the perfectionist habit by helping athletes remember why they’re playing the game—do they just love running, throwing a ball, competing?—and help them to enjoy the process again and not just aim for the desired result.

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When you [or your athletes] get discouraged, how do you help reinstate confidence?

Share your tips in the comment section below!

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Lindsey Wilson - Co-Founder of Positive Performance, Lindsey has been teaching, writing and speaking about mental training for the last 6 years. Lindsey writes regularly on mental training. Her articles have appeared in ESPN’s HoopGurlz.com, AVCA, NSCAA, NYTimes.com, VISIONS magazine, FullCourtPress. com. Contact her atlindsey@positiveperform.com

8 ways mental training will make you better now

By Martin Wilson of positiveperformancetraining.com

You know that the mind is a huge part of athletic success. Unfortunately, it’s usually the least emphasized part of your athletic training and yet, is the easiest and fastest route to higher performance.

Why aren’t you doing mental training? Typically, we see two reasons

1. You don’t believe that mental training is the fastest and easiest route to higher performance (If this is you, let me know in the comments below)
2. You don’t know how to train the mind. Maybe you’ve done some training in the past or were overwhelmed with trying to figure this out

In this article, we will explain the benefits that a good mental training program will provide.

At Positive Performance, our mission is to make mental training easy and approachable for you! Through our blog posts and free trainings, you can start making a big impact now (we have tons of content for coaches, athletes and parents).

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Benefits

Here are some of the top benefits to Mental Performance Training (MPT):

1. Reducing breakdowns and inconsistency

In any sports career, expect to face adversity, failure, and some serious mental roadblocks.  Sports wouldn’t be very interesting without these factors. The great athletes have learned how to be proactive in dealing with these issues. Mental performance training is like weight training. Just as proper weight training will improve your performance and make you less injury prone, mental training will improve your performance, minimize the mental issues and give you the tools to deal with all the mental challenges you will face.

2. Body and mind alignment

You want to be successful but do you know how to align your mind to work in unison with your goals. Do you get frustrated not knowing what to do or maybe felt that you were holding yourself back? We see athletes that only believe themselves “worthy” of a certain level of success. Once they reach that level, they actually begin to self-sabotage. Have you ever done that? Mental training teaches you how to get your mind to work for you, instead of feeling like it’s working against you.

READ Using visualization to crush the next pitch

3. Time efficiency

In as little as 5-10 minutes a day, you can make significant improvements in your performance. For instance, we did a study of our clients and found that they won 15% more games, had less mental issues as a team, and reduced wasted time post-training in comparison to pre-training. In one instance, the coaching staff saved 20 minutes each day because their team was focused and ready to practice.

Sports may be 90% mental, but thankfully, mental training doesn’t add a lot of time to your physical training. The important thing is to integrate it into your athletic routines.

No building is better than its structural foundation, and no man or woman is better than his or her mental foundation.”
-John Wooden, former UCLA Men’s Basketball Coach –winner of 10 NCAA championships

4. Life application

Mental performance training is 100% applicable outside of sports. The sooner you  learn these skills, the better you do both on the court/fields/pool/etc… and in life.

Here is a great example that we routinely help solve:

1. Problem: An athlete has a lot of anxiety about taking tests at school. They knew the material but couldn’t handle the pressure and routinely failed tests. This same athlete also had a lot of anxiety around competition or other high stress situations.
2. Solution: Learn and practice the mental skills and routines of great competitors in 4 hours. Example: How to regular emotions, how to prepare, how to handle mistakes during competition, what to do afterwards, etc..
3. Results: By learning the mental skills and routines of great competitors, these same athletes are now able to do well in high stress environments (school, sports, interviews, etc…).

5. EMBRACING and overcoming CHALLENGES

Let’s face it, losing hurts. Failure is not fun. Mental training can’t change this, but it can help you reframe it so that the pain of disappointment is channeled into something productive. When you face adversity, you are more prepared and ready to grow from challenges, rather than be defeated by them.

READ Are you busy or just boring? Banishing busyness in a chronically over-scheduled world

6. Increased confidence

Does your confidence come from playing well, or does playing well come from confidence?

Many athletes build confidence by playing well but often times you can’t play well until you have confidence. It’s a catch-22. We will train you to build confidence, so you can go play your best today. Even when the results you want seem elusive, mental training gives you the tools to keep fighting and allows you to create the circumstances that lead to success.

7. Learning to relax

The ability to control your emotions in the heat of a competition is critical. Yet most of us are rarely taught how to relax and gain control. In athletics, pushing hard, trying a lot, intensity are all rewarded because they are all important. But you also need to know when and how to relax. Sports isn’t always about intense exertion, it’s also about relaxing. Mental training helps you find the balance between the two.

8. AND…. more happiness

What makes you happy is complicated. However, research tells us that your happiness is often times a result of your expectations, performances and outcomes. Think of a time when you were expecting something and didn’t get it (maybe a birthday or holiday). How did that make you feel? What about a time when you weren’t expecting anything and you received a lovely surprise? How did that make you feel? Since sports are so outcome focused, most of us over-focus on the outcome to define success or failure. Think about how many times you have played a great game yet felt unsuccessful and like a failure because you lost.

A lot of us focus on the short term outcomes and get tied up in the emotional roller-coaster of wins and loses. Yes, outcomes are important but mental training focuses you on the long term process. In turn, you will not only be more successful but also happier (we’ve seen this with thousands of athletes).

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What did I miss? How would mental training help you or your athletes?

Martin Wilson - A three sport letterman in High School, I spent a tour in the US Army before playing college football. I've always been passionate about helping athletes and love putting mental training in the hands of coaches and athletes. I wish I'd learned the mental skills we teach in High School. I would have been a lot more successful as an athlete as well as professionally. Part of what drives me is seeing the impact we have on individual athletes and teams. We love hearing how we have helped people be more successful and happier. Hit me up atmartin@positiveperformancetraining.com

The One Quality Great Teammates Have in Common

By John O’Sullivan of changingthegameproject.com

“Coach, can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” I said. “What’s on your mind today Michael?”

“Well, I just want to know what I can do so I get to start more games and get more playing time as a center midfielder. I don’t think I am showing my best as a winger, and my parents tell me I am not going to get noticed by the college scouts unless something changes.”

Well Michael,” I said, “there is something that all coaches are looking for from the players they recruit. In fact, it is exactly what I am looking for from you as well. If you approach every practice, every fitness session, and every match with this one thing, I think you will see a huge improvement in your play, regardless of where you play. Interested?”

“Of course, coach. What is it?”

I waited a moment before I answered to make sure he was listening.

“You have to stop asking what you can get, and start asking what you can give. You must serve.”

Michael furrowed his brow as he tried to process what I told him.

“You want me to serve the team, like with food?”

I smiled, “No Michael, serving others is the one thing that unites successful people, from friends to employees to athletes to business owners. The great ones know that to be more they must become more, and to become more they must serve others.”

“So, you are saying that instead of asking what I can get from the team, I should be asking what I can give to the team?”

I wanted to leap out of my chair and hug him.

Michael got it. It’s not about him. It’s not about me. It’s about service. The tool that would eventually earn him more playing time and increase his chances of playing in college serving others by focusing upon what he could give, instead of what he could get.

My great friend and coaching mentor Dr. Jerry Lynch is the founder of Way of Champions is the winner of 34 NCAA titles and one NBA World Championship as a sport psychologist and consultant. He calls this paradigm-shifting question the most effective question an athlete can ask, and an attitude that every coach must try and instill in his or her team.

We live in a world these days where self-centeredness and a ‘what’s in it for me” attitude of entitlement is far too prevalent. In the age of the selfie, Instagram, Facebook and a million other ways to say “look at me,” the concept of teamwork and the importance of service to others has gotten lost in the shuffle.

This is very sad, because service to others is the exact thing that athletes need to not only become elite performers, but the type of athlete that coaches look for, celebrate, and fight over at the next level. Do you want to stand out from the crowd?

Start by serving everyone in that crowd.

Far too many athletes bring the attitude of “what do I get” to practice and games. They want to know how they can:

• Get to start
• Get more playing time
• Get to play my favorite position
• Get to score all the points/goals
• Get to work hard when I want to
• Get to show up (physically and mentally) when I feel like it
• Get to give less than my best because I am an upperclassman
• Get attention as the star player

Sadly, this is the path to short-term satisfaction, at the expense of long-term development and high-level performance. This attitude does not promote success; it inhibits growth on and off the field, the court, pool, and the ice.

If you want your athletes to perform at their very best, whether you are a parent or coach, then you must get them to the right question.

What can I give?

Athletes who ask themselves what they can give bring “I can give/I can do” attitudes and actions to the table for their teams. They can actually “get” everything they are looking for simply by starting with the following service oriented ideas:

• I can give my best effort in practice and games
• I can give my team a positive attitude no matter what the circumstances
• I can give my team a boost no matter how many minutes I play
• I can give my team a better chance to win no matter what position I play
• I can do the dirty work so my teammate can score the goal and get the glory
• I can sacrifice my personal ambitions for the betterment of the group
• I can lead by example
• I can be an example of our core values in action

As a coach, I used to think that the most important thing was to have my best players be my hardest workers. But now I realize that isn’t enough. Being a hard worker can still be a selfish pursuit.

No, the most important thing as a coach is to have a team that all ask “what can I give,” especially when it come to your captains, your upperclassmen, and your most talented athletes. You must teach them that the selfish attitude may once in a while lead to success, but the selfless attitude leads to excellence, celebrates the success of others, and makes you the type of athlete that EVERY COACH wants on his or her team.

The most successful sports team in the professional era is not the NY Yankees, or the Boston Celtics, or Real Madrid, but a team from a far less known sport. It is the New Zealand All Blacks in rugby, who have an astonishing 86% winning percentage and numerous championships to their name. In the outstanding book about the All Blacks called Legacy, author James Kerr discusses one of their core values that epitomizes the selfless attitude.

It’s called “Sweep the Shed.”

You see the goal of every All Blacks player is to leave the national team shirt in a better place than when he got it. His goal is to contribute to the legacy by doing his part to grow the game and keep the team progressing every single day.

In order to do so, the players realize that you must remain humble, and that no one is too big or too famous to do the little things required each and every day to get better. You must eat right. You must sleep well. You must take care of yourself on and off the field. You must train hard. You must sacrifice your own goals for the greater good and a higher purpose.

You must sweep the shed.

After each match, played in front of 60,000 plus fans, in front of millions on TV, after the camera crews have left, and the coaches are done speaking, when the eyes of the world have turned elsewhere, there is still a locker room to be cleaned.

By the players!

That’s right, after each and every game the All Blacks leading players take turns sweeping the locker room of every last piece of grass, tape, and mud. In the words of Kerr: “Sweeping the sheds. Doing it properly. So no one else has to. Because no one looks after the All Blacks. The All Blacks look after themselves.”

They leave the locker room in a better place than they got it. They leave the shirt in a better place than they got it. They are not there to get. They are there to give.

If you are a coach, recognize that by intentionally creating a culture where players seek to give instead if get, you will have a team that not only develops excellence on and off the field but is a team that is much more enjoyable to coach. Create a culture that rewards the 95% who are willing to give, and weeds out the 5% who are trying to get. When you do, the “getters” will stick out like a player who is vomiting: he feels better and everyone else feels sick. Eventually, he will get on board, or be thrown off the ship.

Parents, teach your children to be teammates who give. It will not only serve them well in athletics; it will serve them well in life.

As former NY Yankee great Don Mattingly so eloquently stated:

“Then at one point in my career, something wonderful happened. I don’t know why or how . . . but I came to understand what “team” meant. It meant that although I didn’t get a hit or make a great defensive play, I could impact the team in an incredible and consistent way. I learned I could impact the team in an incredible and consistent way. I learned I could impact my team by caring first and foremost about the team’s success and not my own. I don’t mean by rooting for us like a typical fan. Fans are fickle. I mean CARE, really care about the team . . . about “US.”

Mattingly continued: “I became less selfish, less lazy, less sensitive to negative comments. When I gave up me, I became more. I became a captain, a leader, a better person and I came to understand that life is a team game. And you know what? I’ve found most people aren’t team players. They don’t realize that life is the only game in town. Someone should tell them. It has made all the difference in the world to me.”

Please share this article with an athlete or a team that matters to you. Encourage, no implore them to take Don Mattingly’s advice, to take the All Blacks advice. Come prepared to compete, and to be a “giver” and not a “getter.”

You will stand out.

You will be a difference maker.

And you will get everything you want by giving full of yourself, and helping everyone else get what they want.

It changes everything.

Excellence Is Who You Are

by RICHARD NORRIS on AUGUST 27, 2015 of www.leadingmenonly.com

Excellence Is Who You Are

Excellence is who you are more than how you do things. You cannot succeed without excellence.

Hardly a day goes by when I’m not reinforcing the message to my kids that excellence is important. They know it because, as soon as I start saying, “The only job worth doing…”,they finish, “…is a job done well.” Interestingly, as they say this, I note them correcting the activity, attitude and/or behavior that I’m addressing. The sooner they learn this lesson, the richer their life will be and the better the example they will lead.

What does excellence mean to you?

To me, excellence is an all or none. However, it is relative – it means different things to different people in different areas. What is important is for each of us is to define excellence for ourselves where we aspire to it.

As each of us is created uniquely, we have our own unique experiences, abilities and talents. As such, we can be excellent in one area and not in another. Our excellence may also be on a different level to someone else’s. We cannot really judge another person’s excellence or lack thereof- we can only truly judge our own. Why compare apples with oranges?

Whilst we may not achieve an excellent result right away, we can, at least, start with an excellent attitude and behave with excellence. To truly excel, we must begin with the end in mind.

In the past week, the new swim season has started. I’m a volunteer coach at our local team. On the first practice of the season, the kids were reminded of the importance of getting their technique right first. They were reminded that excellence in results comes from excellence in form. As with any group, you can tell those who are motivated to excel versus those who are not. Our team has a great example. One of our swimmers is on the GB national team. He just got back from the FINA swimming world championships in Kazan. (There he made the finals in both of his events.) There are at least two up-and-coming swimmers I’ve noticed who are following his lead. I can see great things ahead for them too.

From experience,people with an attitude of excellence are most likely to go far in their sporting career. Or the most likely to graduate top honors. Or the most likely to lead their market. These are the people, teams and businesses who listen to wisdom, apply what that wisdom and learn from the experience. They know that excellence is a habit that comes from repetition of doing the right things right.

People of excellence may even be in a league on their own. But that doesn’t stop them from striving to be and do even better because they know they can. Of those swimming  world championships, Katie Ledecky, from the USA, set a new standard. She is the first person, male or female, to have won 4 Golds in separate Freestyle events. She won the 200m, 400m, 800m and 1500m. She set two world records and for those races she was way ahead of her competition. She was not pushed by anyone other than her own standards of excellence. That’s what drove her.

Excellence is a commitment. You give your best, your all. You leave it all on the field…always. You do not look back. You keep moving forward. You aim always to stretch your comfort zone, to set new baselines, new limits. Excellence is not just a result; it’s a lifestyle.

If you show up, you show up!

When everything about you is the quest for excellence, then in due time, success will come. However, excellence never comes easily. It’s all part of your Journey of Success. To become excellent, you will face problems, challenges, setbacks and failures. But that’s okay. These sort the wheat from the chaff. These test those of you who truly want to succeed. You may even get hurt or damaged along the way, like a weight lifter’s muscle when he or she maxes out, but when you recover, you come back stronger.

Excellence is demanding. You have to work for it. Just ask anyone who is at the top of their game. Without excellence, success would not happen. That’s why Olympic athletes, pro golfers and F1 teams are constantly seeking the edge, to fine tune their performance to maximize their results and achievements. Excellent people are successful people. They never rest on their laurels. They do not have cruise control.

Are you any different?

Sure, you may not make the headlines, but excellence is in you. Trust me, it’s there. Don’t come to the end of your life where your prevailing thought is ,“What if…?” Let yourself be excellent. Let it out. Live and lead to such a high standard that no one can truly touch you unless they decide to follow your example. Do that and you will succeed. Do that and you will live with no regrets.

When you pursue excellence, excellence is who you become. It becomes your identity. The time to be excellent is now. You only have today. Make it your best. Sow what you want to grow. Be your best. Do your best. Give your best. You will then be blessed. Your excellence will pay off. It always does.

The only way to reach your dreams, to succeed is to reach your potential. The only way to reach your potential is to pursue and become excellence personified. The sooner you do, the sooner you will achieve the success you deserve and desire. So…whilst you are here on the planet, be excellent in who you are meant to be.

Your Powerplay

Commit to excellence today. Pick one thing and give it your best.

#BEGREATER

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Olivia Anderson on Excellence from Glenn Mills on Vimeo.

USA National Junior Team Member Olivia Anderson shares her view on excellence. It's great to see that defining excellence is an individual thing, and should be seen as the internal journey to reaching your own potential.

Why you ask, I ask, why not?

By Coach Mike

What a great roller coaster ride this season has been! It was full of many things, such as; hard work, learning, emotions, failure, successes and as always lots of FUN. No matter what, we are learning to have fun and find the positives in everything we do. Why, you ask? The other day I was having a conversation with a friend and as most conversations start out we greeted each other. She asked, “How are you?” I responded with a resounding “WONDERFUL”. She asked “why are you so wonderful.” I said, because “I choose too to be.” The why, is simply a choice. Why wake up in the morning and choose to be miserable and have a horrible day. That doesn’t sound very appealing does it? Believe it or not this is what a vast majority of people do. They only look for the negatives, measuring the temperature around them and then going along with it. I decide everyday to wake up and challenge myself to find the positives. Every moment is a chance for me to practice something and improve, I choose to set the temperature and be a thermostat. Why you ask, I ask, why not?

We as a team are learning to challenge the status quo around us and become thermostats in our environments. At our championship meets we love to cheer and show our team pride. We as a team have many high standards that are not shared amongst other teams in the area. One thing is that we swim finals and we do not scratch out. We as a team plan on making finals so we can represent our team. Another, is that we swim relays, so we can represent our team at these competitions at the fullest extent we are capable. Speaking of relays, one of our BLUE WAVERS asked me at Long Course Senior Champ finals “Why are we swimming this relay?” We were the only girls relay and we ended up racing a boy’s relay from another team. This question sparked the answer to why we set such high standards and do more than just swim for a time here at BLUE WAVE. Why do we have a suit policy which restricts the use of those tech suits; why do we swim relays; why do we take advantage of swimming in finals every chance we get; why is character first? Why…the real reason is because we challenge the status quo and want to set an example in Potomac Valley Swimming of what a great team is! A great team is a team that works hard to have the opportunity to swim at meets such as this. We love to have fun competing with each other and to set a higher standard within PVS and USA Swimming. We challenge what it means to be a USA Swimming team. We are a team of values and passion and everything we do extenuates that.

At this summer’s championships we did well as a team amongst the other teams in PVS, placing first at Senior Champs and first at 14 and Under Championships both in the medium team division. This however is not what we consider winning. If we only viewed winning as claiming a title or finishing in the top 16 to make it back to finals, or getting a time then winning becomes uncontrollable. The great coach John Wooden never spoke about winning to his athletes and he became one of the most winningest coaches in college basketball. He coached the controllables and expected excellence out of his players at every practice and game. They learned that every practice and competition was an opportunity to improve and learn. He valued character and valued traits such as perseverance, hard work and dedication amongst other traits that all great leaders have. So, how do we define winning? Winning is showing up to practice each day ready to give our best for the team (family); winning is balancing school, social and swimming and being successful at each (dedication); winning is never backing down from a challenge (mental toughness); winning is qualifying for one of our big meets to represent your team due to winning at each of the above. We believe that these are things that will not only help you winning here but win at life.

Why do you do what you do? How do you win each day? These are all in our control and are based on the choices we make.

BLUE WAVE ON 3…BLUE WAVE ON 3…1...2…3

GO BLUE WAVE!

FAMILY – DEDICATION – MENTAL TOUGHNESS

Are You the Best Version of Yourself Today?

By Shivani Parikh of tinybudduh.com

“I always wanted to be someone better the next day than I was the day before.” ~Sidney Poitier

I felt I was living a dream life. I had a great husband, a lovely child, a nice house and cars.

I studied in one of the best colleges in my country and went on to do my MBA from another best in the country. While attending b-school I met my husband, and we both went on to get mind-boggling jobs.
Going on lots of vacations, eating at posh places, and focusing on next big house were my ideas of a good life.

I never questioned the wisdom of blindly zooming through the day. I could never see beauty in mountains, trees, flowers, the sea, or the sky. I was focused on earning a living, and racing through life.
One day my husband developed a lump near his neck, and we ignored it thinking it was a silly little thing. But the lump adamantly stayed there.
After two months of inaction we rushed to the doctor. We were asked to undergo a series of blood tests, x-rays, and scans to ascertain the cause. But none of them could prove what caused the lump. Doctors hinted at tuberculosis or lymphoma (cancer of lymph nodes), and we were asked to undergo biopsy.

The word cancer brought about stress like we’ve never experienced before. It was our life at stake. I prayed hard that it would be tuberculosis, the lesser evil of the two.

I prayed that if I passed this test I’d be a reformed person. I promised I would change myself. I would value this life more than I ever did.

The biopsy proved it was TB, frightening but still curable, and not as intimidating as cancer. The treatment went on for almost a year, and my husband recovered. But I changed over that year.

Never did I take life for granted. I started enjoying the beauty around me. I appreciated each day we lived. I developed empathy for people who had less than me. I started being kind, less arrogant, gentler, and more positive in life.

I read self-help books to improve myself. But changing one’s self from negative to positive is one of the most difficult tasks to undertake.
I regretted my ruthless ways and wished to atone. I always thought the world revolved round me.

I began to observe people who had made positive changes in their lives. Almost all of them changed after a life threatening experience or a negative experience.

Do we all need bad experiences to change for better? Can we all try to change for better each day just because? Can we do one thing today that was better than yesterday?

It could be thanking a colleague for help given. It could be observing the flower outside your window and appreciating that it took months to bloom to give you a beautiful sight. It could be looking at the rain and appreciating the water it gives us rather than cursing it for the shoes it spoils.

I worked harder than ever at being a better person each day. Every night I would ask myself a few questions:

Am I any better today than I was yesterday?

Were there any negative experiences today from which I could learn?

Did I accomplish something today?

By setting aside some time daily to reflect on my behaviors, I have created an opportunity for myself to grow. I developed a list to help me be a better person today than yesterday. If you’d like to start being the best version of yourself now, ask yourself:

1. Did I pay attention to the people around me?

I try to reflect on whether I talked or listened more today. Did I genuinely show interest in what other people were saying? Did I give them the attention they deserved when they spoke? When I listened more, I made more friends. When I was interested in people, I could make a positive difference in their day, which in turn made me more content.

2. Am I stuck on a bad yesterday?

I can’t be a better person today if I am stuck on my bad yesterday. Dwelling on a bad yesterday makes my today bad as well. This results in two bad days—a bad yesterday and a bad today, and a bad today would be a bad yesterday the next day (complicated).
I try to forget and forgive nasty remarks made by a friend, boss, neighbor, or my husband. I stopped regretting mistakes; I needed to move on. I stopped thinking about time wasted in past since thinking about it now wastes time today. I let go of past resentments.

3. Did I work on my character today?

More than anything else that matters in life, it’s your own character that counts. I keep trying to improve my character through good thoughts and more importantly, good deeds. Our character determines how we will respond to situations and circumstances of life.

4. Did I work on my habits?

I try hard to get rid of my bad habits and develop good ones. None of us are born with fixed habits. They are developed and cultivated with practice. It is easy to get hooked on bad habits, but difficult to get rid of them.

I was a very impatient person, and a slave to the clock. Everything had to happen on time, but with a six-year-old child, this slavery to time is extremely stressful.

My child wouldn’t think about whether I’d be late to work and would take ages to get dressed while I was waiting for him. This would bring about a round of threatening or fights to hurry him.
Over last one year I gave up wearing my watch to slow down a bit. I decided I didn’t need it. It really wouldn’t be a big deal if I was five minutes late, but yelling and screaming at my child would induce a guilt/unhappiness that lasted for hours, and it would start his day poorly as well.

Now every time I look at my wrist out of habit to check the time, having no watch reminds me to slow down. It is now a constant reminder throughout the day to slow down and appreciate what I have.
Working on little habits like this can make a big difference in our lives.

5. Did I allow anger to consume me today?

It’s inevitable we’ll feel angry from time to time, but we don’t have to let it control us. Working through my anger with people, life, and my circumstances was the toughest in the list to do—but also the most beneficial. Deep breaths worked for me. This post may be helpful you.

6. Did I exercise today?

This one is an instant mood booster, which allows us to be better for the people around us. I realized that sometimes I might be too tied up for an hour workout. So I break it into parts and look for opportunities to walk a little, since every step counts. Every time I talk on the phone I walk. So now my daily chat with my sister for ten minutes provides me with ten minutes of walking.
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We all deserve to be the best versions of ourselves; it not only reduces our own suffering, but also allows us to make a positive impact on the people around us.

Cars, phones, computers, technology are all becoming better each day.

Shouldn’t we?

In business we follow the principle of “continuous improvement.” It’s time we replicate the same in our lives.

Each day is a new opportunity to grow. Each day we can be better than yesterday.

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About Shivani Parikh Shivani Parikh is a faculty at a premier b-school. She is passionate about writing and loves to write in newspapers, magazines, research articles, and blogs.

How to Swim Faster By Doing Less

By: Olivier Poirier-Leroy yourswimlog.com

My New Year’s Resolution this year was to do less.

Not less of the things that are working, but less of the things that are not.

(Sounds obvious, but let that marinate for a moment…)

The easiest way to achieve more is not always by doing more, but by doing less.

Here is what I mean by this…

Subtraction is the simplest manner to be more efficient, more awesome, and ultimately, more better looking.

(Not totally sure on that last one, but let’s just say that’s the case for argument’s sake…)

If you want to break down success to it’s most simple, most basic form, here is what it looks like:

Performance = potential – interferences

Now, this looks deceptively simple, and I think that is the problem people have with it.

“But…but…what about talent? What about technique? What about how I bend my arms during my recovery? Blah blah blah.”

Our first instinct when we want to accomplish big ole things in the pool is to look for the big swings.

The big change.

• I’m going to swim an extra 10,000 meters per week!
• I am going to do a million push ups this month!
• I am going to do butterfly for every set, including warm down, for the rest of my life!
• I’m going to do all of the things!

It is natural to look for things to be bigger and more pimped out in order for us to perceive it as better for us.

We puff out our chests, make the proclamation that we are gonna do it better, bigger and extra bigger than everybody else.

But instead of thinking about what to add to your current training regimen, take the counter-intuitive approach and think about this…

What can you eliminate from your training or from your life right now that would give your training a boost?

Writing up a big, greasy “to do” list is easy, and often leads us to frustration because adding habits is hard.

Really hard.

But manipulating the ones you already have, well, that is a whole lot easier.

What are the things you are doing right now that are hamstringing your success?

• Are you pulling in the last 5m of every wall during kick sets?
• Are you sitting in bed browsing your social media feeds when you should be sleeping?
• Are you pulling on the lane rope during backstroke sets?

Here be a little exercise to try out…

Write up a “to don’t” list and tape that bad boy to your kickboard. To your fridge. To your sister.

(Okay, maybe don’t do that…)

Having a “to don’t” list creates a set of boundaries that you train within…

• No pulling into the wall on kick sets.
• No social media after 8pm.
• No pulling on the lane rope during backstroke.
• No taping things to my sister’s head.

And, from personal experience, I have found that they are easier to abide by than tacking on extra work.

After all, sometimes it is just easier not to do something.

A little something for you to think about the next time you hop in the pool.

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7 QUOTES TO INSPIRE YOU TO GREATNESS THIS SEASON

by Olivier Poirier-Leroy. This post originally appeared at YourSwimBook.com. You can join Olivier’s weekly motivational newsletter for swimmers by clicking here.

Greatness, on the outside, looks exceptionally appealing. Along with achieving at a high level comes self-satisfaction, the recognition in the form of awards and records, and the knowledge that we have ascended to the upper peaks of our abilities.

There will be moments over the course of the long haul of a season where you find your commitment wavering. Where the shortcuts begin to look extra enticing. When rolling over and ignoring that morning alarm becomes easy to the point of normal.

While experiencing these dips is common, staying the course and achieving greatness isn’t.

Here are 7 quotes to help you stay motivated to stay on the grind towards achieving greatness:

1. Greatness is a choice.

Many of us are under the impression that greatness is something that is bestowed upon us. And while talent does play an undeniable role, how far you get both in life and in the pool will rely much more on your tenacity and willingness to be great.

Choosing greatness seems like a no-brainer—after all, who wouldn’t want to dunk themselves in the pool of greatness on a daily basis?

But how many will actually make the decision day in and day out to be great?

Will you?

2. You can tell the greatness of a man by what makes him angry. (Abraham Lincoln)

When we sit back and actually look at the things we get worked up over it might make us feel a little foolish.

Some of the common things that make us angry: Getting cut off in traffic. That friend who doesn’t text back in a remotely timely manner. A piece of technology that fails us.

Some of the common things that makes great swimmers angry: Wasting an opportunity to train. Not giving a full effort at practice. Knowing they could have done more.

We choose the things we get angry about. Will you choose to be angry about the inconveniences of life, or the fundamentals of your swimming?

3. Greatness is not a result. It’s a state of being.

In dreaming of our goals we think about a concrete result.

A gold medal. A best time. A world record.

But what the truly great swimmers understand is that while it is important to have those lofty ambitions, what is more important is priding themselves on being the type of athlete who develops the scaffolding, the systems, the routines, the day-to-day habits and rituals that will eventually produce those results.

That is where greatness is inherently found.

In the seemingly boring routine of showing up every day. Of making good life decisions when no one is watching.

Greatness isn’t something you achieve, it is something you become.

4. Greatness needs great challenges.

The idea of perfect and frictionless progress is an appetizing one. When we think and dream about success we consider in these broad and simple manner:

My goal + hard work = I win!

But what really happens, what needs to happen, is the hard stuff. The setbacks. The failures. The friction. The grind. Whatever else you want to call it.

The moments that will test you, that will push you to the brink of giving up.

Make no mistake, you need these moments of strife. Why? Because they are precisely what will separate you from the rest who crave the exact same thing.

5. True greatness consists in being great in little things. (Charles Simmons)

Greatness doesn’t manifest itself in a moment. It’s not developed by a single race, or an individual snippet of time. It is honed, groomed and carefully and laboriously assembled over a long period of time. Piece by piece. Yard by yard.

It is the sum of a thousand small victories, of a million little moments where an athlete could have said yes to a night out, but said no, or could have rolled over when their alarm clock went off, but didn’t, or could have left practice early, but did the hard and lonely extra work.

A gold medal might make someone great, for that fleeting moment is the only piece of insight we have had into a champion’s journey.

We don’t see the two-a-days, the lonely extra sessions when everyone else has gone home, or the countless small steps.

6. Greatness is a road leading towards the unknown. (Charles de Gaulle)

Greatness, by its very definition, is uncharted. It’s somewhere you have never been, something you have never done. It’s out there somewhere in the dark, and to get there you will have to step off the ledge. You will have to step into the unknown, where there are no guarantees, no iron-clad assurances of success.

To chase and attain greatness you will have to do things you have never done before, with no guarantee that you will achieve the results you so badly crave.

This in itself is enough to prevent most people from ever making an honest effort. These are the swimmers that are constantly seeking validation, asking if they are capable, asking if they have a shot, all the while not fully investing themselves in giving themselves the opportunity to find out.

7. Greatness requires a certain degree of madness.

To be great is not normal. It is weird. It is rare. And if anything, it is wholly abnormal.

To do something you have never done before, that nobody else has done before, requires a certain amount of stubbornness and a rageful self-belief in your mission that for most will seem mad.

Escaping the mental lockstep of what is normal, the patterns and expectations of what is supposed to be conventional requires you to be a little mad, a little crazy, and a little stubborn.

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That Person Who Irritates You Could Be Your Greatest Teacher

By Angela Baucom of tinybuddha.com

 

“The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.” ~Byron Katie 

On the bus home from Disney World, my best friend sputtered, “Angela, you are such a huge control freak!”

First, I went into an angry rage. I accused her, “How dare you call me a control freak! I planned this whole trip.”

Next, I resorted to pouting and pointing my finger at her, listing every possible way she was the control freak.

I was in complete victim mode. Classic, right? Little did I know that this incident would be an important self-growth tool for me.

She returned to her seat and I started to reflect on her comment in silence. I realized that I was indeed a massive control freak. I planned everything. For example, in group projects, I volunteered to do all the work so I would get a good grade instead of trusting my teammates.

I’ve come to realize that constantly trying to control people is very harmful. They stop believing that you trust them and let you do all the work. I am not superman and people are capable of stepping up.

The same goes with life situations. I’ve had a lot of success living in the life I want, because I’m very assertive and control situations. But honestly, it makes me miserable and I would much rather sit back and let the universe take care of it.

My mother always told me that what you resist or dislike in someone else can usually be found in yourself. I realized the qualities that I found annoying in other people, especially my father, were his controlling qualities. Then I realized that those qualities were very prominent in myself.

I know now it had to take someone as close as my best friend to wake me up and realize how much I tried to control situations. She’s a friend who knows everything about me and, therefore, I hold her opinion very highly in mind.

I could have been a victim and blamed her for being cruel or picking out my greatest faults. Instead, I sincerely appreciate her for opening my eyes into how much self-work I still needed to do.

When I look back on my life, I can see how all of my relationships have taught me so many lessons. My ex-boyfriend and I got together like most young couples, looking for someone to fix the other and fill up an empty hole that we could only fill.

Instead, we ended up being extremely codependent and very unhappy. I did not treat myself well during that period of time, and he reflected that perfectly to me by treating me exactly how I treated myself.

Now, I try and love myself to the fullest and am more confident than I’ve been in a long time. I am so thankful that he came into my life and demonstrated to me how I treated myself. He was a mirror and the perfect partner I needed at that time in my life.

I went back even further and examined the difficult relationship I have with my father. We have never been close and since childhood I’ve always been resentful of his, in my opinion, mean-spirited nature and how distant he seemed to me.

Now, I realize that he has been such a gift in my life. If I had never felt that pain, I probably would have never gone to see my life coach and found my inner light and source. I am so thankful that he brought me to her! What a different way to look at it.

I’m not saying you should stay in an unhealthy relationship. There are certainly relationships and friendships that are worth avoiding.

I do believe, though, that people come and go into our lives for certain reasons. And instead of perceiving their existence in our lives as negative, we should learn to see the positive differences they have made.

I can assure you that holding onto resentment for someone in your past or present really only ends up hurting up you in the long run.

So what do you do now? You forgive. You forgive yourself. You forgive the people who you believe caused transgressions against you in your life.

When I realized that I am indeed a control freak; I forgave myself; I didn’t beat myself up. I look forward to letting that quality go in my life, but it served me a great purpose in my past. When I was weaker, it served as a great defense mechanism and made me feel important and in charge.

Now I know that I am not in charge and can move on and eagerly wait for the next relationships and friendships in my life to continue to teach me how to constantly improve myself.

Couple arguing image via Shutterstock

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About Angela Baucom

Angela is a dreamer, an optimist, and a leader in her community. She plays viola and hopes to play for the rest of her life. Angela dreams of writing a self-help book to help teenagers find happiness and spirituality. She is a lover of what is and is constantly improving her internal self to better serve humankind. Contact her at dancingviola2@gmail.com.

More Posts

10 Things We All Need To Stop Believing & What To Do Instead

by Mark DeNicola

Life is a complicated journey filled with joy, hardship and everything in between. As much as the things that happen to us are inherently the way that they are, I believe that we determine to what extent they affect us. We determine how much of a “pick me up” or roadblock they’re going to be, and it’s often the beliefs that come with each experience that play a deciding role. Beliefs that -for the most part -we seem to have widely accepted as a collective.

As we begin a new year, we often set for ourselves -myself included -a series of goals or life changes that we would like to accomplish or implement over the course of this calendar year. In hopes of helping you accomplish that which you are striving for, here are 10 things I feel we need to stop believing:

1. Life is hard

How many times have you gone through an experience that in the moment of it seemed like the end of the world, only later to be something that you moved on and learned something from -in some cases were even grateful for? Life may have its hard moments but it is not inherently hard, unless you believe it to be. The genuinely hard moments will be enough to gratify your need for a challenge, there is no need to make minor bumps into hard times as well.

An alternative view: Life is a roller coaster in which we determine how smooth or intense it gets. There may be some built-in steep drops, but an expectation for the ride to be filled with them will do nothing but create an unnecessarily way more intense ride. Take a breath and take in each moment before reacting to it.

2. They have it easy

Comparison. It’s something we all do and often don’t like to admit. We gauge our own lives based on how we perceive the lives of others to be, often mocking the simplicity another has to deal with. Just like most would never be able to truly understand your experience, never will you be able to properly understand theirs, so stop preoccupying yourself with it.

An alternative view: Rather than complaining, focus on your own life and figure out what works best for your unique situation.

3. They think I’m __________

This one goes hand in hand with number two, and together they can make one disgusting couple. We are all self-conscious to varying degrees and no matter where we stand on the spectrum it’s completely unnecessary.

An alternative view: Chances are the person you’re concerned about judging you, is too concerned with how they believe you to be judging them to even take notice of what you’re self-conscious about. Focus on being the truest version of yourself and not a fake “safe” version that minimizes your chances of being perceived poorly.

4. That was all luck

You finally have something good happen in your life and you choose to chalk it up to luck rather than give yourself credit. Law of attraction stuff aside, I’m a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I’m not suggesting that you become a credit hog, but stop casting great experiences aside to the pessimistic luck pile.

An alternative view: You play a bigger role in the life you live and what happens to you than you think, so accept the good experiences and let them further motivate you to keep pushing forward.

5. I’ll do it tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day that everything changes. It’s the day I start going to gym regularly. It’s the day I get going on that diet. It’s the day I start writing my book. The only thing it has a tendency to actually be is the day that never comes.

An alternative view: Make tomorrow today and take control of the life you live. Accomplishing goals is a process, but the only way you’ll get there is by actually starting the process.

6. I need my partner to complete me

Relationships can be a wonderful experience, but they aren’t the experience that dictates the life you live, YOU dictate the life you live. If you aren’t in a relationship, a view that you need a relationship to feel complete and happy will more than likely further cripple you from finding it. If you’re in a relationship and you feel that it is what completes you, that’s quite the house of cards to be standing on -especially given the overall global trend in relationship longevity.

An alternative view: See relationships as an extension to the human experience and not the basis of the human experience. Work on your relationship with yourself, it’ll be the greatest gift you can give to any other relationships you may have.

7. I can’t do anything big, I’m just one person in a very big world

We all want to change the world, but when it comes to actually doing it most of us belittle ourselves at the seeming size of the mountain to be climbed. We feel that the peak can only be reached with thousands of others by our side, therefore there is no point trying at all.

An alternative view: Everything you see in front of you started as an idea, an idea that was hatched by one individual -an individual that decided to do something about it. Did they more than likely receive the help and support of dozens of others along the way? Most likely. But those others only showed up because they were willing to take the first step. Stop waiting for all your cards to fall into place before taking action, you need to start with what you have to even give the cards a reason to show up.

8. I’ll never get over that

Life experiences can certainly be very traumatic, and through this I’m not suggesting that we completely let go and forget all that has happened to us. What I am referring to are the smaller instances that we choose to blow up and let forever taint how we view or treat another -and in some cases the level to which we trust the entire world. An example would be that a former partner of yours once cheated on you, because of that you will now forever treat them like shit, see the person they did it with as “easy” and now be even more guarded and non-trusting towards all future partners -even though they had absolutely nothing to do with it.

An alternative view: See everything for the lesson that it provided and grow from it. Let go of whoever you need to let go of, but don’t carry the baggage of how you see them as purse everywhere you go. Treat every new experience exactly for what it is: a new experience.

9. My family has been doing it that way for years

Traditions can be great, but in the same breath certain traditions can also be quite limiting and comical. To help illustrate this I’m going to use an infamous little story:

It was Thanksgiving and a husband asked his wife why she was cutting the ends off of a perfectly good roast before placing it in the oven. She replied “my mother always did it this way.” Curious, the man went to ask his mother-in-law why she cut the ends off of the roast. She replied “because my mother always did it that way.” Luckily, his mother-in-law’s mother was still alive so he went to go ask her why she cut the ends off of the roast, to which she replied, “because I didn’t have a big enough pan to fit the entire thing.”

An alternative view: Rather than blindly accepting all traditions, truly look at them for what they are and determine whether or not they still make sense to upkeep. The world is changing, imagine how much quicker it’ll change if we start to think more critically and make our own decisions.

10. I was born that way

This statement is far too often used as a badge of honour and a badge of shame. We use it to boast about certain skills or talents we may have had for as long as we can remember. We also use it to justify our shortcomings. Aside from certain physical attributes -body augmentation aside -there is very little that we cannot change about ourselves, we just don’t give ourselves a chance to.

An alternative view: View life based on the moment rather than the accumulation of all of your past experiences. You may have developed certain tendencies and character traits that have been re-enforced by years of portraying and believing them, but they can be shifted. Many of you may disagree with this, but I don’t think any of us are actually born stubborn for example, we’re all just born cute and malleable to become whatever life shapes us into.

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What are your thoughts on these 10 beliefs? I’m sure there are bound to be at least a couple that you disagree with. Feel free to share your views and any ideas for others that could have been included via the comment section below.

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Mark DeNicola

Joined the CE team in 2010 as a Writer, Director & Admin. Feel free to e-mail me with any questions, comments or to just connect: mark@collective-evolution.com -- Be sure to check out our new CE YouTube series 'These Guys' featuring myself and Joe Martino of the CE team. -- My other passion in life is acting, you can find out more about that side of me by visiting my personal acting website:www.mark-denicola.com