The Power of Vulnerability

As a coach it is important to always revisit the fundamentals as they are the most important. This should also be the case for life. Dr. Seuss taught us some very important life lessons when we were growing up.

1. Today you are You, that is trurer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than you.
2. Why fit in when you were born to stand out?
3. You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
4. Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.
5. Today I shall behave, as if this is the day I will be remembered.

Dr. Seuss was basically telling us, in these five life lessons to be vulnerable. We tend to equate vulnerability with weakness, but according to author and researcher Brené Brown vulnerability is the courage to be imperfect. “Courage, in its original definition of courage, when it first came into the English language -- it's from the Latin word cor, meaning heart -- and the original definition was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences,” she says.

So what is vulnerability? As described by Brené, it is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. It is the unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen control. "What most of us fail to understand...is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave," says Dr. Brown. "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity." 

Here is an example situation. Let's say that after reading a few articles about the benefits of yoga, you decide to try it yourself. You buy a mat, find a nearby class, and put on some stretchy pants. But when you get to the studio and see other students walking confidently in, their mats slung over their shoulders, you begin to feel strange. Your heart rate speeds up, your palms grow sweaty, and you think, Why in the world did I ever think I could do this?

This shaky feeling is vulnerability, and it makes you want to turn around and go home, where you can escape the potential judgment of others and your own fear of the unfamiliar. But by pushing through those doors, you are doing something far more healthy and transformative. You’re also opening yourself up to the opportunity to make new friends and learn a new, healthy habit. But if you run away the second those shaky feelings arise, you're just reinforcing the voice in your head that says I'm not good enough.

One of the tragic ironies of modern life is that so many people feel isolated from each other by the very feelings they have in common: including a fear of failure and a sense of not being enough. That insecurity is present in all of us, and it's so strong that we often go out of our way to avoid situations that might make us feel fragile. Because of this we try to sidestep the shaky feeling of vulnerability by emotionally armoring ourselves each morning when we face the day to avoid feeling shame, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. The particular armor changes from person to person, but it usually falls into one of these three methods:

• Striving for perfection
• Numbing out
• Disrupting joyful moments by “dress rehearsing tragedy” and imaging all the ways that things could go wrong.

Do any of these sound familiar?

All of these types of armor can make us feel safe and “in control” in the moment, but they are really doing us more harm than good. "Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield-we think it will protect us but it keeps us from being seen.  Numbing our emotions is damaging because it has a widespread effect-you can't numb fear without numbing joy at the same time, “notes Dr. Brown.

The urge to imagine the worst-case scenario in moments of joy (such as not being able to enjoy a hug with your child without worrying about something bad happening to him) is an amazingly common phenomenon, according to Brené Brown's research. And why is it so hard for us to soften into joy? "Because we're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch," says Dr. Brown. But this has a negative impact, for without vulnerability, there is no love, no belonging, and no joy.

This one quality we often mistake for weakness can actually make us stronger. This is why it is so important to work on recognizing the moments of vulnerability and work with them. Mindfulness is a good place to start and will help you become more aware of your environment as well as your own thoughts, feelings, and triggers. This will help you recognize when you are disengaging because you are afraid.

Here are some things to keep in mind as you practice "daring greatly" in your own life:

• Recognize that facing vulnerability takes enormous courage. Take small steps (like asking someone what they are thinking) and be proud of your bravery when you do.
• Let go of the constant worry about what other people think of you. Most people are focused on their own internal struggles, not you.
• Feeling overwhelmed? Focus your attention gently on your breath and the sensations in your body for a few moments before returning your attention back to the task at hand.
• Don't worry about being perfect-in fact, don't even consider it. No one is perfect, and the more you hold yourself to an impossible ideal, the more easily you will give up.

Interested in learning more about Brené Brown? brenebrown.com and read her book, Daring Greatly.