Everyone You Meet is Your Mirror

by Coach Mike

I discovered that for me to be more compassionate to others I had to first start with myself. We are only able to see things within others that we see within ourselves. Hence the saying - Everyone you meet is your mirror.

Like most people, my response to this was, “I do not act like a lot of people who annoy me and push my buttons.”

However we come to understand ourselves best through our relationships with other people. The traits we tend to get triggered by in others are usually the traits we do not like about ourselves. Hence judgment and criticizing of these characteristics ensue. When we are aware that our judgment of others stems from judging ourselves it can help us be more compassionate towards ourselves.

This is important because when certain characteristics in someone’s personality trigger a negative reaction from you, there is something within you that is coming up because it is ready to be healed. Every person we meet in life shows up at the perfect time in our lives to reflect something we need to heal within ourselves. The people with whom you interact are showing you who you are and ultimately providing you with an opportunity for self-compassion. When you find yourself triggered by a person or situation, ask yourself the following questions:

• What is this person teaching me that I need to learn to become a better version of myself?
• Do I behave like this now?
• Did I behave like this in the past?

Believe it or not, giving yourself some self-compassion and forgiving yourself is the most effective way to disengage from negative interactions with people. We can only show compassion and acceptance of others to the degree that we show self-compassion and acceptance of ourselves. When you make it a habit to learn from your relationships, eventually you will discover that you can observe negative traits within others without judgment and without getting hooked into someone else’s drama.

This also works in reverse as well. The desirable behaviors we see in others are also a reflection of ourselves. When we predominately choose self-compassion we live in a reality of compassion.

How do we practice self-compassion? Dr. Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion offers some great insight.

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

Let’s define self-compassion. Self-compassion creates space within you that is free of judgement – a place that sees your pain and failures and softens to allow those experiences with kindness and caring. Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who said you were supposed to be perfect. I remind myself everyday that I am perfectly, imperfect.

Practicing throughout life, it is our human right to make mistakes; this is how we learn…

We can practice self-kindness. This entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves up with self-criticism. Recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing difficulties in life is inevitable. Be gentle with yourselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of expectations.

Some believe that we have to criticize ourselves to improve. Just the opposite is true. The judgment only holds the pattern in place. So be gentle with yourself; show yourself the same kindness and patience you might show a young child – the child you once were. If you won’t be your own friend, who will be?

Embrace your common humanity. Frustration is not having things exactly as we want them. All humans suffer. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.

Be mindful. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them. We are unable to ignore our pain and feel compassion at the same time. At the same time mindfulness is recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts as well as emotions are just emotions. It is our choice to stay or act on that thought or be that emotion. For example; my thoughts are my own but they do not describe me. Because I think or feel anxious, that doesn't mean that I am anxious. It means I am experiencing the symptoms of anxiety, not that I am anxiety. By being mindful, it allows us to notice these sensations and be an observer of them and not become them.

“Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

Affirmations for Self-compassion

I accept myself as I am	I let go of the old and make room for the new.
I am enough	Today I will treat myself with kindness.
I am worthy of compassion	Like any human being, I have strengths and weaknesses, and that’s OK.
I forgive myself and allow myself to feel inner peace.	I’m healing through self-compassion.
I allow myself to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes.	I give myself the gift of unconditional love.

Go out there and challenge yourself to be the change in the world, one person at a time. This isn’t about forgetting or ignoring the troubles in the world or our lives but it is about stopping the complaining and taking charge, one small step at a time. Showing people there is a better way.

Changing our face can change nothing. But facing our change can change everything.