Stop Making New Goals—Create Habits Instead

Finally become the person you want to be.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wander-woman/201802/stop-making-new-goals-create-habits-instead

Marcia Reynolds Psy.D. - Wander Woman

The scenario: You declare a change you want to make to achieve the results you desire. You eagerly set a goal and plan the steps. You tell yourself this time, you will commit to your goal.

Then you go back to days full of urgent emails and texts; projects falling behind; messes to clean up; fires to put out; agendas, lists and people who need to be heard out.

You think about your goal between frantic interruptions, but the days feel so overwhelming and out-of-control, you cling to what you have done in the past. You say, “Next week I’ll change when I have more time.” Lapses of distraction and masterful rationalizations crush your best-laid plans.

Sound familiar? You might feel guilty for a while, but then you conveniently forget your goal so you can focus on the more important things you must do. Or you say things like, “I am who I am” and people should accept me for that.

Humans are creatures of habit. Nearly half of what you do each day is repeated behavior. ¹

No matter how invested you are in your goals, taking consistent action to change your habits is difficult. There is safety going back to old thinking and behaviors. You must take deliberate, consistent actions repeatedly over time to defy your brain if you want to achieve the results you desire.

To achieve a goal, don't plan on taking progressive steps. You must first create new habits.

People do like change, they just forget they do.

Your desire to create different outcomes is not enough to sustain change.²To create new habits of behavior, your brain needs consistent evidence that your goal is achievable and worth the effort. Without consistent evidence, your brain will fabricate rationalizations for not changing, and give you reasons for decreasing the value of the goal. You forget why the goal is so important unless you have someone help you see your way through these typical blocks to progress.

Change is a continuum, not an event.

Your brain’s primary function is to protect you from harm and discomfort. You must convince your brain that you will not only be safe if you change, you will be better off.

To convince your brain, you must compose easily attainable steps that you will repeat for a period of time until they comfortably fit into your routine. You need visual reminders that there is a feel-good payoff for the change you want to make. Then every day, you want to recognize every time your remembered and tried to meet your commitment, even if the attempt was small. You have to show your brain that you will succeed, little by little over time.

The key to transforming your choices into a long-lasting behavioral change is to:

1. Use pictures and notes to visually remind yourself of what you want to create.
2. Plan and repeat small shifts in behavior so you can see early and consistent evidence that you can be successful.
3. Document the evidence of each positive step when you journal and dialogue about your progress.

First, make sure you define specific activities you can celebrate. Chunk your goal into small behaviors that will move you forward to achieving your goal one step at a time. For example, if you are trying to improve your relationships by being a better listener, you might start with the practices of releasing a full breath before you respond to a question. Notice when you do this for days or weeks until the pause becomes a habit. Follow-on steps might include 1) noticing and shifting your emotions to feeling curious after your breath, 2) making sure you have fully stopped walking and working to be present with people you talk to, and 3) seeking to understand more clearly what people need and already know before you respond.

Take time with each step. Don't be impatient. You are making shifts in your routines and behaviors, not drastic changes.

You can spend as many days as you like on each step until you see consistent progress but acknowledge yourself each day for even minor attempts at achievement. Keep reminding your brain you can succeed so it will support you instead of protecting you.

The transformation is more likely to stay on track if you make a point of noticing your accomplishments every day. Write about your victories in your journal. Talk about them with others who support your growth. Send congratulations notes to yourself.

Piece-by-piece, you shift your mind and behavior. Little by little, you create new habits. Eventually, you become the person you vision yourself to be.

Dialogue keeps your brain on track

Even if you accept that you must change a behavior or habit, the act of letting go of old ways takes constant self-encouragement. It is easy to be discouraged. You might feel rejection and embarrassment if your attempts to change are rebuffed by others. You have to try out less than perfect behaviors, which can be frightening.

Asking for support and assistance can make you feel vulnerable, yet social support is important to help you override the emotions that can trigger your brain to give up your plans.

Just sharing your desires with others will strengthen your commitment. Research shows that making a new behavior automatic can take 18 to 254 days, with 2 months being the average.³ During that time, ongoing dialogue with a coach or a trusted friend can:

• Remind you of your overarching desires when you question your choices.
• Call on your strengths when you question a goal’s achievability.
• Celebrate wins with you, no matter how small, as significant steps in your journey.
• Mine the learning from each lapse so all actions are seen as valuable instead of setbacks.

Creating consistent evidence that you will succeed and using a social support system that includes a coach or mentor can help become the person you want to be.

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References

[1] Neal, D.T., Wood, W., and Quinn, J.M. (20?) Habits—A repeat performance. Current Directions in Psychological Science. 15, 198-202.

[2] Nowack, K. (2017) Facilitating successful behavioral change: Beyond goal setting to goal flourishing. Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, Vol 69, No. 3, 153-171.

[3] Lally, P., Van Jaarsveld, C., Potts, H., & Wardle, J. (2010) How habits are formed: Modeling habit formation in the real world. European Journal of Social Psychology, 1009, 998-1009.

4 Simple Ways to Improve Performance

By Alice Reeves-Turner, Swimming World College Intern.

Whatever the level of meet, whether it be a junior event or the Olympic games, all swimmers have a pre-race ritual. This may simply be listening to a specific piece of music, eating a specific meal or a specific set of stretches– whatever the level of complexity of our behaviour before a meet, all swimmers believe that these things will help us improve in our race. Although these little quirks make us feel good on race day, there are many things that a swimmer can do which guarantee they will achieve their full potential…

1. Sleep

We all know know we should get around 8 hours sleep a night, however with the pressures of balancing training and the other commitments of life there are very few swimmers who can manage that every night. To improve performance at a meet, swimmers should try to get a solid night of sleep before a race. Studies have shown that athletes who sleep better are more likely to achieve as they can concentrate better.

2. Diet

Swimmers are renowned for their enormous diets, with Micheal Phelps featured on an NBC special eating 12,000 calories a day before his retirement. But this does not mean that swimmers eat the right things. Many never see their full potential because they never take time to focus on food. By quite simply eating the rights things and having a balanced diet, a swimmer is guaranteed to improve there performance.

3. Training

It seems logical that if you try hard in training you will achieve more in races, however some of us seem to forget that when faced with a tough training session. Hard work pays off. Despite the temporal pain a hard training session can cause it will pay off in the end.

4. Mindset

Going into a race with a good mentality can make all the difference. In fact, studies have found that if someone goes into anything with a negative viewpoint they are less likely to perform to their full potential. So, the next time you think a negative thought prior to a race about your performance, banish it from your thoughts and rocket into a world of happier, faster swimming.

All commentaries are the opinion of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Swimming World Magazine nor its staff.

Everyone You Meet is Your Mirror

by Coach Mike

I discovered that for me to be more compassionate to others I had to first start with myself. We are only able to see things within others that we see within ourselves. Hence the saying - Everyone you meet is your mirror.

Like most people, my response to this was, “I do not act like a lot of people who annoy me and push my buttons.”

However we come to understand ourselves best through our relationships with other people. The traits we tend to get triggered by in others are usually the traits we do not like about ourselves. Hence judgment and criticizing of these characteristics ensue. When we are aware that our judgment of others stems from judging ourselves it can help us be more compassionate towards ourselves.

This is important because when certain characteristics in someone’s personality trigger a negative reaction from you, there is something within you that is coming up because it is ready to be healed. Every person we meet in life shows up at the perfect time in our lives to reflect something we need to heal within ourselves. The people with whom you interact are showing you who you are and ultimately providing you with an opportunity for self-compassion. When you find yourself triggered by a person or situation, ask yourself the following questions:

• What is this person teaching me that I need to learn to become a better version of myself?
• Do I behave like this now?
• Did I behave like this in the past?

Believe it or not, giving yourself some self-compassion and forgiving yourself is the most effective way to disengage from negative interactions with people. We can only show compassion and acceptance of others to the degree that we show self-compassion and acceptance of ourselves. When you make it a habit to learn from your relationships, eventually you will discover that you can observe negative traits within others without judgment and without getting hooked into someone else’s drama.

This also works in reverse as well. The desirable behaviors we see in others are also a reflection of ourselves. When we predominately choose self-compassion we live in a reality of compassion.

How do we practice self-compassion? Dr. Kristen Neff, author of Self-Compassion offers some great insight.

“Be gentle first with yourself if you wish to be gentle with others.” ~Lama Yeshe

Let’s define self-compassion. Self-compassion creates space within you that is free of judgement – a place that sees your pain and failures and softens to allow those experiences with kindness and caring. Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who said you were supposed to be perfect. I remind myself everyday that I am perfectly, imperfect.

Practicing throughout life, it is our human right to make mistakes; this is how we learn…

We can practice self-kindness. This entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or beating ourselves up with self-criticism. Recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing difficulties in life is inevitable. Be gentle with yourselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of expectations.

Some believe that we have to criticize ourselves to improve. Just the opposite is true. The judgment only holds the pattern in place. So be gentle with yourself; show yourself the same kindness and patience you might show a young child – the child you once were. If you won’t be your own friend, who will be?

Embrace your common humanity. Frustration is not having things exactly as we want them. All humans suffer. The very definition of being “human” means that one is mortal, vulnerable and imperfect. Therefore, self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than something that happens to “me” alone.

Be mindful. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which one observes thoughts and feelings as they are without trying to suppress or deny them. We are unable to ignore our pain and feel compassion at the same time. At the same time mindfulness is recognizing that thoughts are just thoughts as well as emotions are just emotions. It is our choice to stay or act on that thought or be that emotion. For example; my thoughts are my own but they do not describe me. Because I think or feel anxious, that doesn't mean that I am anxious. It means I am experiencing the symptoms of anxiety, not that I am anxiety. By being mindful, it allows us to notice these sensations and be an observer of them and not become them.

“Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” ~Reinhold Niebuhr

Affirmations for Self-compassion

I accept myself as I am	I let go of the old and make room for the new.
I am enough	Today I will treat myself with kindness.
I am worthy of compassion	Like any human being, I have strengths and weaknesses, and that’s OK.
I forgive myself and allow myself to feel inner peace.	I’m healing through self-compassion.
I allow myself to make mistakes and to learn from those mistakes.	I give myself the gift of unconditional love.

Go out there and challenge yourself to be the change in the world, one person at a time. This isn’t about forgetting or ignoring the troubles in the world or our lives but it is about stopping the complaining and taking charge, one small step at a time. Showing people there is a better way.

Changing our face can change nothing. But facing our change can change everything.