ABCs of Mental Training: K is for Keeping the Peace

While it would be nice to get along with everyone all of the time, you are eventually going to have differing opinions with teammates, coaches, parents, or other individuals you encounter. Thus, developing the ability to effectively resolve conflict is an important skill to have both for your sport and for your interactions in life beyond athletics. This article will discuss the keys to keeping the peace and managing disagreements with others.

Quick Conflict Resolution Tips

It is important to recognize that conflict isn’t always a bad thing. Conflict can result in new knowledge, new methods of accomplishing goals, and even increased commitment. However, the way the conflict is resolved often dictates whether the conflict has a positive or negative outcome. Thus, being able to handle conflict in a mature and solution-focused way is essential.

Tip 1: Understand the nature of the conflict

Try to figure out where the conflict stems from. Is it a misunderstanding, a difference of opinion, competing goals? Starting with an agreement on what you are arguing about makes the discussion a lot smoother so that at least you are both focused on the same issue.

Tip 2: Be willing to accept individual differences

Oftentimes, conflict is caused because two people have differing opinions. There are many reasons why opinions differ, but often it’s because people are looking at the same situation from two varying perspectives. This is the case particularly when people either have different personalities or different goals. So, when you’re in conflict with someone, first ask yourself, “Is there another way to see this situation?” Second, ask yourself, “Can we agree on a common goal?” Third, ask yourself if it is okay to disagree. Agreeing to disagree can be an acceptable solution to some problems and shows an acceptance of each person’s point of view.

Tip 3: Keep an open mind

Don’t start a confrontation with the assumption that you are right and you have to prove it to the other person. This just puts both of you in a defensive position. Instead, go into such interactions with the mindset that you are going to discuss the issue at hand and try to learn what the other person is thinking/feeling about a particular situation. To truly keep an open mind, you must be willing to admit you’re wrong or, in some cases, that you are both right. Either way, conflict resolution isn’t about winning or losing, it’s about reaching a solution to a problem.

Tip 4: Focus on the problem and the solution

When we’re angry or frustrated with a situation, it’s easy to take it out on others. First, never confront someone when you’re angry. Second, realize it’s not the person, it’s their behavior that we don’t like. If you attack someone on a personal level (“You are lazy and uncommitted”) they are going to be immediately defensive and the problem won’t be solved. If, however, you focus on a specific behavior and how you would like that behavior to change, you may be able to reach a solution. Be sure to describe the situation from your point of view so they can understand how this behavior makes you feel. Some people don’t think about how their actions affect others. Offer to help in solving the problem. (“When you come to practice late it makes me feel like you do not care about the success of the swim team. I can pick you up in the morning if you’re having trouble getting a ride.”) Stay focused on the main issue. Don’t bring up minor incidents from the past, focus on recent behaviors.

Tip 5: Don’t gossip

While it is tempting to try to get others “on your side,” this tends to create more drama than necessary and makes it much more difficult to resolve the conflict. Address the person individually with no one else around. Talking about the confrontation with others either before or after can create divisions on the team and can end up becoming a major distraction for everyone.

Tip 6: Know what you’re willing to sacrifice

Often in disagreements, you have to decide if it’s worth it to try to solve the problem. If there is something you want out of the situation but not necessarily something you need, maybe it’s really not worth sacrificing a relationship to get it. If you feel the situation is important and that the issue can be resolved, then you have to decide how important your relationship is with the other person. If it’s an important relationship, you’ll have to be willing to sacrifice some of your needs to reach a solution that works for both of you.

Tip 7: Try to resolve it yourself

For most people, conflict isn’t an enjoyable experience. However, we can’t avoid conflict, and we can’t have others rushing in to save us our entire life. Fox example, if you disagree with the events your coach is having you swim, you cannot rely on parents to fix the situation. The reason being is that later in life you may have issues with a boss and your parents can’t call them up and tell them they need to change the account you were assigned. While conflicts can be a source of anxiety, once you learn how to properly handle them you will find a sense of empowerment that comes from knowing that you can reach a better outcome to a situation you are unsatisfied with. It’s important to learn how to keep the peace while negotiating an acceptable solution for all involved.

Make it Great!

Dr. Aimee

About Aimee C. Kimball, PhD:

Dr. Kimball is the Director of Mental Training for the UPMC Center for Sports Medicine. She is an Association of Applied Sport Psychology Certified Consultant, and is a member of the American Psychological Association, the United States Olympic Committee’s Sport Psychology Registry, the USA Swimming Sports Medicine Network, and the NCAA Speakers Bureau. She works with athletes, coaches, and parents to help them achieve success in sport and life.

For more information contact: kimballac@upmc.edu, 412-432-3777, http://sportsmedicine.upmc.com/MentalTrainingProgram.htm